BAD MILAGE WHILE IDLING My Lincoln was running while the station attendant was filling it with gas. He requested I turn the engine off because I was gaining on him

RACING QUESTION Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?

ADVENTURES IN DARWINISM "He was trying to make his own fireworks," says Bonnie Suchomski about her son, James Suchomski, 25, of Tampa, Fla. He and his friend Josh Edleman, 26, filled about 10 toy balloons with explosive acetylene gas, apparently with plans to ignite them to celebrate Independence Day. They put the balloons into Suchomski's car, got in, and slammed the doors. A spark ignited the balloons, blowing up the car and throwing the two men out. The car "looked like a sardine can," said a Tampa Police bomb technician. "It was as if you just took the roof and peeled it off." Both men are expected to recover from their burns, bruises and ear damage. "He's learned his lesson," Suchomski's mother says.

THE SHIRT OFF HIS BACK When Christopher J. Antus, 24, was pulled over by a state trooper in Bremen, Ind., for a traffic violation, Trooper Jerrod Patty couldn't help but notice his bright orange T-shirt. It read: "Fugitive. You never saw me."
The lawman got a good chuckle over the shirt and even joked with Antus about it. "I said, 'All you have to do is tell me where you came from and I'll take you back'," Patty says.
The jokes stopped when a routine computer check revealed Antus was wanted on a felony warrant.
After his arrest, Antus said the shirt actually belongs to a friend.

COUCH POTATO NIRVANA Researchers at England's Newcastle University are developing a collision avoidance system for cars by learning how locusts avoid hitting each other in swarms. A study of locusts' "Giant Lobular Movement Detector" -- an oversized area in their brains that helps them avoid hitting things in flight, was the key. Probes stuck through their skin allowed instruments to monitor the GLMD's reactions. But how to make them think they're needing to avoid collisions?
"Essentially, we made little armchairs for them, and stuck them in front of TV screens," said Dr. Claire Rind, a neurobiologist. They then forced the bugs to watch dogfighting scenes from "Star Wars". Early results are promising, but "Locusts are just the start," Rind says.

CAR CRAZY II: When Natalie Elliott, 22, of Seaford, England, got divorced, she didn't want to go back to her maiden name, Luffman. "I got called all sorts of names at school, like bum fluff," she remembers. "I decided there was no way I was going to call myself Luffman again." So she changed her name legally to Natalie Subaru-Impreza, after her favorite car. She doesn't own a Subaru, however. First, she doesn't know how to drive and second, " I might not be able to afford one for a few years."

SORRY, WRONG NUMBER I was recently driving home from a fishing trip out of town, and I decided I needed to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I park the car and go into the washroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall.......
"Hi there, how is it going?" Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, so finally I say: "Not bad............"
Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?" I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm on my way back home to Edgewood"
Then I hear the person, all flustered, say: "Look, I'll call you back-------every time I ask you a question-this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!"
I had to think that one over all the way home.

BRIGHT BULB A woman calls 911. In a panic she tells the dispatcher that her house is on fire and that she needs the fire department there immediately. The dispatcher tells her, just calm down Maam and tell us how to get there. The lady replies "USE YOUR BIG RED TRUCK!

PRISON CAR An old con was talking to a new inmate in prison. "What are ya in for kid."
"I tried to make a new kind of car." He replied. "I took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Chevy, the tires from a Hudson, and the exhaust system from a Studebaker."
"Really? What did you get?" "Fifteen years for auto theft."

HELP NEEDED A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to pull over and arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."

COMING TO A STOP One day this mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought.
The next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today."
His friend got a little concerned but didn't say anything. The following day the mechanic told his friend about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did.
A few days later the mechanic was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend, "This brake fluid is really great stuff."
His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that stuff."
"Hey, no problem," the mechanic replied. "I can stop any time. After all, it is brake fluid, ya know.......

S-HELL A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the 'S.'"

BUMPER STICKERS
1. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
2. Hang up and drive.
3. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
4. The proctologist called, they found your head.
5. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people, "Everybody Else".
6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

DRIVEN Barry Colbert, 38, says he let his 7-year-old drive as a reward for finishing his homework and cleaning his room. He set his son up so he could reach the pedals, and Colbert sat in the passenger seat as they hit the road. That's not all they hit: police said the boy ran a stop sign and crashed into another car outside New Port Richey, Fla. After the crash, Colbert took over the wheel just as officers arrived. Police say they will cite the boy for driving without a license, driving without headlights and running a stop sign, and Colbert for driving while intoxicated, habitually driving with a suspended license and letting an unlicensed person drive. "I'm not irresponsible," Colbert explains. "I just had a few beers."

SECOND STICKER The farmer had been taken so many times by the local car dealer, that when the dealer wanted to buy a cow, the farmer priced it to him like this:
BASIC COW........................................................$200.00
TWO-TONE EXTERIOR.......................................45.00
EXTRA STOMACH................................................75.00
PRODUCT STORAGE COMPARTMENT...........60.00
FOUR SPIGOTS @$10.00 ea.................................40.00
GENUINE COWHIDE UPHOLSTERY...............125.00
DUAL HORNS.........................................................15.00
AUTOMATIC FLY SWATTER..............................35.00
................................................................TOTAL $595.00

"Wisdom of Will Rogers"
1. "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
2. “What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.”

A DUFFER’S CAR My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed. Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off of the road!" My car has no scratches...not even a dent. Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."

BASIC RULES FOR WASHINGTON DRIVING
1. Remember that the goal of every Washington driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
2. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
3. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Washington driver never uses them.
4. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
5. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
6. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
7. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. Washington is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
9. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.
10. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Washington look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State police car parked in the median.
11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
12. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Washington driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
13. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge or Chevy logo.
14. When an Emergency Vehicle approaches with lights and sirens on, either stop where you are, pull to the left instead of right, or just totally ignore them. Even a police car.... they are all ready tied up on something else, right?
15. Learn to swerve abruptly. Washington is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to WSDOT, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
16. It is traditional in Washington to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
17. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
18. Heavy snow, ice, fogs, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.