AUTO JOKES & FUNNY STORIES
Return to Golden Era Automobile Association

PEDALING ALONG The judge fined a motorist $25 for speeding, and gave him a receipt. "What am I supposed to do with this, frame it?" snapped the driver sarcastically. "No, save it," replied the judge. "When you get three you get a bicycle."

SENIOR DRIVER As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

HOW MUCH WILL IT TAKE? An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?" The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat." The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Volvo, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

BY MAIL! Judi is speaking to her psychiatrist. Judi: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?" J: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car. P: "Uh ... How's that working?" J. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." P. "And why do you think that is?" J. "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

ILLEGAL DUTY A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

DOIN’ HIS JOB A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop."

FAMOUS LAST WORDS
Nah, that fuel gauge often gets stuck on empty.
You have driven this before, haven't you?
And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?
Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
You can make it easy... that train isn't coming fast.
Gimmee a match. I think my gas tank is empty.
Step on her, boy, we're only going 75.
If you knew anything, you wouldn't be a traffic cop!

HAGEN’S ON TIME! Arnold, the car nut, and his wife were cleaning out the garage one day when he came across a work order from the local auto parts & machine shop, Hagen’s Auto Parts. The date stamped on the work order showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up that welded pair of cylinder heads for their ‘in restoration’ 1937 Cadillac over a decade ago. "Do you think the heads will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the work order. He went over, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to Bill, the counterman. With a face just as straight, Darrel said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, Darrel called out, "Here they are! I just found them" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time." But then Darrel said, "They'll be ready next Thursday...."

Q&A Q. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? A. Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

RICK'S MUSINGS Hopefully, the price of new cars has peaked. Good thing too. I mean most dealers have a showroom and a recovery room as it is.
For an auto mechanic, frustration is having a pound of grease on both hands and no upholstery to wipe them on. I think a lot of trouble with the new cars is the bucket seats -- not everyone has the same size bucket.
My neighbor bought the car in the first place because of the huge rebates offered. The car's pretty smooth, but the rebate check keeps bouncing.
You can often get a good price on a car with one of those "Take over the payments" ads you see in the newspapers. Only problem is most of them are 1930's models.
I guess the biggest problem I face with both my old Essex and the Mrs. aging is getting the car started in the morning, -- and her started at nite.
I don't see the sense of increasing horsepower and top speed in the new cars with traffic the way it is. The other week on an Interstate highway, I had to leave the car twice to make payments.

THAT RARE OLD CAR COLLECTION! A wealthy gung ho automobile collector spent most of his life and money trying to track down all the great automobiles of the early days, including some legendary automobiles that had seemed to have disappeared from the face of the earth. He would travel the world over checking out leads to rare cars, and on one trip his heart gave out and he died. When he arrived in the next world, he was met by the devil. "Oh, oh," the collector said, "this looks bad!" "Ah, no," said the devil. "My place has been given a bum rap. I am going to show you to where you'll spend eternity and you'll see it ain't so bad." So he follows the devil and they enter an enormous showroom, beautifully decorated, with potted palms, a fridge full of beer, a well-stocked liquor cabinet filed with 20 kinds of single malt, and best of all, the showroom was filled with automobiles. On examining the cars he suddenly discovered every classic automobile he'd ever hunted for, including the show cars. It was the perfect collection! "Are you sure that this is where I will spend eternity, in this room full of these great automobiles.?" "Absolutely," the devil said. "They are all yours."
"Wow -- this is great. Thanks a lot. Now where are all the gas stations?"
The devil smiled and said...."There isn't any...and that's the hell of it!"

AUTOMOBILE WHEEL GAUGE Most early automobiles track at 4 feet 8.5 inches. Standard Railroad Gauge. The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit ofvtheir legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's behind came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

USED CAR BUYERS GUIDE: THE REALITY MUST SELL ...before it blows up.
RUNS FINE ...I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last-minute concience attack.
NEEDS SOME BODY WORK ...was blindsided by a Winnebego.
WELL-MAINTAINED ...I changed the oil occasionally.
LOOKS LIKE NEW ...just don't try to drive it anywhere.
ALL ORIGINAL ...I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
LOADED WITH OPTIONS ...each one more troublesome than the next.
NEVER SMOKED IN ...unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.
PROJECT CAR ...doesn't run.
LOTS OF POTENTIAL ...doesn't run.
NEEDS MINOR REPAIR ...doesn't run.

LAUGHING DRIVER The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop. "The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?" "I recognized the laugh!" he replied. *********

WARM BACK END The best Ford has done is add wires to the rear window to clear fog and frost; Dodge is adding wires under the wipers so they can be freed when frozen and not burn up the motor. But Chevy is adding the wire elements to the tailgates on all of their trucks. Keeps your hands warm while you're pushing! *********

"Growing Old Is Mandatory... Growing Up Is Optional"

RICK'S MUSINGS Why don't they make alarms for cars that alert us when the directional lights are left on, leaving everyone else on the road guessing?
My wife asked me for one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles for Christmas, but I bought her a beautiful diamond ring instead. Somebody needs to invent a fake Jeep.

WHO'S DOG? There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?", the motorist asked. The old man replied, "Nope." So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bit!" The old man replied, "THAT, Ain't my dog."

Things NOT to Say When You are Pulled Over
15. No, YOU assume the position.
14. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin' Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
13. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
12. No, offi, offic, Lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
11. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
10. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
9. But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states! Pick 1
8. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
7. On the way to the station let's get a six pack, oh don't forget the cig's
6. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Creep!
5. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a movie queen?
3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2. So that's what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone means.
1. What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway?

SPEEDOMETER ROLLBACK! A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

ROOSTER TALE A man was driving his Graham-Paige down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are 'round the back."

GREAT IRISH WHISKEY Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving his Morris auto very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"

TEN BUCKS A WORD A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day. "What for?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

DRESS CODE A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

RUNNING WITH THE LAW A man was driving his LaSalle Coupe home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

A REAL BICYCLIST A man decided that he was going to ride a bicycle from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Supercharged Auburn Roadster pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Auburn found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, a Cord blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Auburn pulling the bike took off after the Cord A short distance down the road, the Auburn and the Cord, both going well over 100 mph, blew through a speed trap. The motorcycle cop behind the billboard radioed to the other officer that he had 2 cars headed his way at over 100 mph. He then relayed, "and your not going to believe this, but there's guy on a bicycle honking to pass".

RICK'S MUSINGS: If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

CREDIT CARDS A guy got a credit card bill for work on his automobile stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. Next month he got another, did the same thing. The next month they sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his credit card if he didn't send them $0.00. He called them, talked to them, they said it was "a glitch" and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he tried to charge something and couldn't. He called the credit card company who again said they'd take care of it. The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent. The man figured the credit card company would take care of it, so he didn't worry. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay or his account was going to collection. He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit card company's computer processed it, noting that his account was now paid in full. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said, "Well, your $0.00 check has caused our check processing software to fail. We now can't process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because that $0.00 check is causing the program to abort." The man, who had been considering buying his wife a new car for her birthday, bought her a Yugo instead.

ANOTHER LITTLE BIRD The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper. Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked. On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car. Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.

SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son - What's up, Dad?
D- There's a scratch down the side of the truck. Did you do it?
S- I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the truck", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the truck.
D- Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the truck last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
S- Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the truck. While it is true that I did take the truck out last night, I did not scratch it.
D- But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the truck against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the truck, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the truck?
S- Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the truck. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the truck.
D- Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the truck into the mailbox?
S- Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the truck into the road. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
D- So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
S- No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the truck.
D- But the truck did hit the mailbox, and the truck did get scratched as a result of this contact?
S- Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
D- So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the truck?
S- No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the truck?". From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the truck... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the truck" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
D- Where in the hell did you learn to be such a smart ass?
S- Well, I've decided to become a lawyer

MAKE A DEAL A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...."
To which the Rabbi replied.... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"

MAKING CLOTHES! A policeman spots a blonde driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window, "Pull over!" "No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

FROM ACTUAL INSURANCE REPORTS
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it’s intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

TRADE SHARK! Two vintage automobile mechanics meet on the street one day. The first mechanic calls out to the other, "Hey-Nice Graham Shark-Nose! Where did you get it?" "Well," replied the other, "I was driving to work the other day when this pretty, young thing drove up in this Graham. She jumped out, took off all of her clothes, and said, "You can have ANYTHING you want!!" "Good choice," said the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

FORD BUILT PENGUINS? A man drives his Model “A” to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the Ford says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the Ford and drives away. The next day the man with the Model “A” is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!" "Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

A STERLING JOB The driver of a Sterling log truck frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by. One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically, he veered the big powerful Sterling towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer." The priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."

BASHED NASH A man comes out of a shopping mall to find that the side of his beautiful Nash Ambassador is rammed in. Seeing a note under the windshield wiper, he read it. On the paper is written: “As I'm writing this, about a dozen people are watching me. They think I'm giving you my name, phone number, and insurance company. But I'm not............” ??

SLOW DOWN! A police officer. who was "sitting" at a stop sign, watched a man driving a Whippet roll through the intersection without stopping. He pulled the driver over and requested to see the driver's license and registration.
The driver asked, "But officer, why'd you stop me?"
"Didn't you see the stop sign back there?" the officer answered. "You didn't come to a full stop."
"But I DID slow down," replied the driver.
"But you didn't STOP -- it's a stop sign," the officer insisted.
"But I DID slow down," the driver stubbornly argued.
"But it's not a 'slow down' sign ... it's a STOP sign," argued back the officer.
After going back and forth with this several times, the officer became agitated, grabbed the driver by the neck and dragged him out through the open window. He then began to kick him and beat him with his night stick. After several kicks and whacks, and the driver's panic-stricken screaming, the officer politely asked, "So do you want me to stop, or do you want me to slow down?"

GENERAL MOTORS HELPLINE Actual Calls Recorded HelpLine:
"General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?" --------------------------------------

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'.
Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

"General Motors HelpLine, “How can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
HelpLine: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
HelpLine: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!”
HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version thatdoesn't crash any more!"

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"

ANTLER (ND) FIRE DEPARTMENT A fire started on some grassland near Westhope, North Dakota. The fire department from Westhope was called to put out the fire. The fire proved to be more than their own fire department could handle, so someone suggested that the rural volunteer fire department of the tiny neighboring town of Antler be called. Though there was doubt they could be of any assistance, the call was made. Twenty-five minutes later, the Antler fire department arrived in a dilapidated, home-made 1937 Dodge fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The Antler firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon, they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two, easily controllable parts. The farmer was so impressed with the courage of the fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared that the very next day he presented the Antler fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the Antler fire department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," responded the fire chief. "The first thing we're gonna do is get them damn brakes fixed on that there fire truck."

REDNECK BUD BUDDIES Two rednecks, Bubba and Cletus, were driving their old Terraplane down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Cletus. It's a poll-eece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba," said Cletus. "We'll just pull over and finish a-drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Cletus. When they finished their beers, they threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on his forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir," said Cletus. "We're on the patch."

TRAFFIC JAM A guy was stuck in a traffic jam that hadn't moved for more than half an hour. Looking out his car window he saw a kid on a skateboard weaving his way towards him through the line of stranded vehicles. "Hey son, what's the hold up?" the guy asked. "It's some crazy lawyer," replied the kid, "He's lying in the middle of the road and he's doused himself with gasoline and is threatening to set fire to himself. We're taking up a collection for him. Would you like to donate mister?" "How much have you got so far?" the guy enquired. "Oh," said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three lighters."

TRAFFIC COURT A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day and he would have to return the next day. "What for?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

THOUGHTS ON CARS I saw some of the Daytona 500 car race the other week. The TV announcer said that the pit crews can have all the tires off of the car in thirty seconds or less. Hell -- that ain't nothing. The guy's obviously never been to Washington. You can see kids in Seattle and Tacoma do it a lot faster than that anytime ya want. - - - - - I guess I'm too used to full sized cars. I mean my lil' American Austin is a nice car and all, but it's just too small. Take the glove compartment for example, all I can get in there is two fingers and a thumb. - - - - - I did get a hell of a bargain though when I bought that Austin. The dealer threw in the carrying case for nothing. - - - - -

ACCIDENT REPORT THOMAS INSURANCE Co., Tacoma, Washington
Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accidents. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am an antique car collector. On the day of the accident, I was working with a fellow collector removing the engine and transmission from my 1926 Star automobile. I was using a rope and pully attached to a tree limb high up in an old cottenwood tree in my back yard. We used a 4x6 timber as a cross-balance to keep the engine level as we pulled it up and out of the car. When we had completed removing the engine with the transmission attached, we realised that the car would have to be moved forward into the garage before the engine could be lowered. So we both tugged and tugged until the engine was very near the tree limb, allowing plenty of room for the car to pass underneath. Then we tied the rope to the bumper of my Durant parts car.
After the engineless car was moved back into the garage, my friend was called home, leaving me to fend for myself. I had to get the engine back down so that I could take it into the machine shop. I went over and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the heavy motor. (After the accident we weighed the engine at 330 pounds.) You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 235 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the cottonwood tree.
About half-way up, I met the engine which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the engine hit the ground, and the 4x6 timber slipped loose from the engine. Now devoid of the weight of the engine, the 4x6 weighed approximately 25 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tree. About half-way down, I met the 4x6 coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, ruptured rectum, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the 4x6 seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the engine and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the engine, in pain, unable to move and watching the 4x6 high above me, I lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope................. Sincerely, Dan

ILLEGAL FIREARM? An attorney was driving through the country side when his car failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting the line back on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his surprise it started and he headed for the nearest town for a permanent repair. To celebrate his success he lit up a cigarette, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He stuck his arm out the window hoping the wind at 50 miles per hour would put it out. He was promptly pulled over by a local constable who after finding out that the man was a lawyer, promptly gave him a ticket for an illegal use of a “firearm.”

REAL BRIGHT? When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

BAD TRUCK DRIVER? A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's coffee and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly paid his bill and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

JUDGE ONE FOR THE ROAD Lakewood (Wash.) Municipal Judge Ralph H. Baldwin accepted the jury's verdict in a drunk driving case, then turned to more pressing business. "I know this is uncommon, and kind of funny following a [driving under the influence] case," witnesses quoted him as saying, but the judge invited the jury, prosecutor and defense attorney to join him in drinking a 12-pack of beer he stepped out to buy while the jury deliberated. The lawyers and two jurors joined the judge in the jury room for a "cold one". Afterward, he told them "I might as well drink and drive, I do it all the time anyway," and got in his car with an open beer and drove away. "When I saw [my remarks] put down on paper, it looked awful," Judge Baldwin said later. "When I thought about it, I thought, 'Oh my God, you fool'." The judge has resigned. ...And thus went his nickname from "The Hanging Judge" to "The Hangover Judge".

THE BUGATTI ROYALE & THE MONTGOMERY WARDS MO-PED! A wealthy car collector went out and bought a 1933 Bugatti Royale. It was the best and most expensive collector’s car available in the world, costing about $4,000,000. He took it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a Montgomery Wards Mo-ped (both looking about 90 years old) pulled up next to him. The old man looked over the sleek, shiny surface of the fully restored car and asked, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The proud collector replied, "A 1933 Bugatti Royale. It cost about a four million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," said the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car is so fine and rare that only a handful even exist" stated the collector proudly.
The Mo-ped driver asked, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replied the owner. So the old man poked his head in the window and looked around. Leaning back on his Mo-ped, the old man said, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changed so the guy decided to show the old man what his Bugatti could do. He floored it, and shortly the speedometer read 100 mph. Suddenly, he noticed a dot in his rear view mirror. It seemed to be getting closer! He slowed down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhooooossshhh! Something whipped by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Bugatti?" the collector asked himself.
Then, ahead of him, he saw a dot coming toward him. Whooooosh! It went by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the Moped! "Couldn't be," thought the guy. "How could a Mo-ped outrun a Bugatti?!" Again, he saw a dot in his rear view mirror! Whoooooosh K-BbblaMMM! It plowed into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The collector jumped out, and it WAS the old man!!!
Of course, the Mo-ped and the old man are hurtin' for certin'. He ran up to the old man and said, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moaned and replied, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

YOU GO IN A YUGO
Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A. Fill the tank with gas! (If it can still hold liquid.)
B. If not, put a gallon of milk in the back seat.

I bought a Yugo with a tow package. ...It was in the front.

Q. Why does a Yugo have a rear window defroster?
A. To keep your hands warm as you push it.

"The Oakland Police captured two men in their Yugo last night... The men are being held as suspects in the city's first push-by shooting."

Q. What comes with every Yugo User's Manual?
A. The bus schedule.

From the Yugo owner's manual: "If you sense an impending accident with any other animate or inanimate object larger than a breadbox, quickly 1) place head between legs, 2) lock hands behind head, 3) Repeat: "Our Father, who art in heaven..."

Yugos are now much safer and come standard with an air bag. When you sense an impending accident, start blowing *real fast.*

Consumer safety tests showed that a 5 mph parking-lot crash will cause about $2800 damage to a Yugo.
What's left? About $1200 of "dealer prep."

Q. What do you call a Yugo at the top of a big hill?
A. A miracle!

A BELT OR TWO An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. "This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

MOOVIN’ RIGHT ALONG An old man was driving down the interstate at 22 miles per hour. He never went above or below. An officer noticed and followed him a while and then pulled him over. Before the officer could even get to the window the man was saying "I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 mph and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding".
The police officer said, "I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going to slow".
The man said "but the sign says 22". The officer told him that he was on interstate 22.
As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were 3 older ladies sitting inside the car. All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.
The police officer leaned toward the man and said, "What is wrong with them?"
The man said "well, we just came off of interstate 134".

GET A “KICK” OUTTA THIS Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the ol' man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A lawyer anxious to get another client could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was an injured jackass.

MONKEY BUSINESS? A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes" indicated the monkey "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "What else?" The monkey motioned "Making Love." "They were making love, too?" asked the astounded officer. "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and making love before they wrecked." "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.

The Top 10 Signs Your Mechanic Is Losing It
10 That photo of a naked A.J. Foyt on his wall.
9 You catch him in his office making auto noises and "shifting gears".
8 Embroidered "Mr. Bad-Wrench" on his shirt.
7 Licks Go-Jo off finger as if it were peanut butter.
6 Giggles uncontrollably whenever anyone says, "lug nuts."
5 "Huh huh, he said 'dipstick'. Huh huh, huh huh."
4 Replaces diagnostic computer with Magic 8 Ball.
3 Rewires the cruise control to the radio so that the faster the music, the faster your car goes.
2 Owns no wrenches, but complete set of every size monkey.
1 Won't stop humming "The Wheels on the Bus Go 'Round and Round."

FORGIVE US A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

HI-TECH RADIO This lady always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the dealer, and plops down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, dream mobile. She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the darned thing. Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio.He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the on board computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants.
He demonstrates: "Classical", he says. *click* The car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues", he says, and *click* a B.B. King classic plays.
She drives off amazed. "Country", she says, and *click* a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Folk" *click* Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down. "New Age" *click* Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on. She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road.
Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!" she screams. *click* "Hello, You're listening to the Larry King Show".

KNITTING THE KNOTS OUT A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window: "Pull over!" "No," she shouts back, ... " a pair of socks!"

THE DEMOCRATIC WAY A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a Chevy pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I do," replied the salesman.
"Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.
"A Republican," replied the salesman. "Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.
The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off. The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.
The next car to stop was a red BMW convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!" shouted the salesman.
"Hop in!" replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him - the wind blowing through her hair, perfect form, and a short skirt that continues to her beautiful legs. Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!"
She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?" she asks.
"I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to sleep with a woman I've only just met!"

IMMEDIATE LOAN? Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

TOWED IN A HOLE An out-of-towner drove his Model “T” into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the “T” and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"
Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!"
Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the Ford out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

THE GREEN MODEL “T” FORD There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Who are you?" and Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, drivin' my old Model “T” in the St. Patrick's Day parade."
St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green Model “T” for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven." Pat jumps on his little green Model “T”, punches the low gear pedal, and heads out with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green Model “T” around. But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone Cadillac V16 roars past him. And in the back of this Cadillac is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates.
He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, drivin' my Model “T” in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green Model “T” Ford and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' But, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone Cadillac V16 and a large organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"
St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says: "Pat, shush! *He's* the Boss's Son!"

BUSSED TO COURT! BERLIN (Reuters) - A Berlin teenager driving a stolen bus was caught by police on Wednesday as he jumped a red light on his way to court -- where he faced charges of leaving the scene of an accident. A spokesman for the city's justice authorities said police escorted the 18-year-old Berliner to court where the judge, upon learning of the new offense, rescheduled the hearing. Police then took the teen into custody. The justice authority spokesman said the teen deserved some credit. ``At least he was on time for court,'' he said.

EXPLORING MICHIGAN WATERS A local man had just bought a new 1941 Ford Woody Station Wagon and, in one of those male-bonding rituals, decided to do a winter duck hunting expedition with his buddies. So they loaded the dog, the guns, the decoys, the beer, etc. into the vehicle and headed out to a nearby lake. It is common practice in Michigan to drive your vehicle out onto the frozen lake. Further, it is common (if slightly illegal) to make a hole in the ice for your decoys by using dynamite. The young man had a stick of dynamite, but it had a short fuse - 20 seconds. Since it is not a good idea to light the fuse, then drop the dynamite and run (after all, you could slip and fall on the ice), he decided to throw it instead. Sounds like the thing to do. Trouble is, after he tosses the stick of dynamite, the dog chases after it, picks it up and starts to bring it back, just like he’s been taught. The men screamed at the dog to drop the (lit) dynamite, to no avail. Finally in desperation, one of the men grabs his shotgun and fires at the dog. Since the gun was loaded with bird shot, the dog was not so much hurt as confused, so he ran and crawled under the vehicle with the dynamite in his mouth. Needless to say, the dog is in doggie heaven; the new Ford is at the bottom of the lake; the two brilliant hunters are looking at the hole in the ice, and the insurance company refuses to pay because it was an illegal use of explosives; and the first payment is due at the end of the month and there are 47 more to follow.

GETTING AHOLD OF YOUR WORK Kalamazoo Gazette: James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOW READ THIS San Jose Mercury News: A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.

BUS CHASING? A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

FIVE GRAND GOOF John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartbutt when he's drunk and stoned." Brian from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

NOISY DRIVING One day a certain lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!" So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly and said, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."

BIG BRITISH BROTHER A report out of Britain reveals that within 10 years cars could automatically be prevented from speeding. A device within the car will be able to determine the vehicle's location by satellite, access the speed limit for each street in the country, and cut off the car's fuel supply if the car is speeding… ... Right. How are the latest transmissions from that Mars Lander, by the way...?

DARN VALUBLE DEAD TRUCK There was an old man who had been using a mule for years and it finally died on him. Seeing as he really needed a truck to transport produce from his large farm, he made a trip to see a dealer that sold trucks. He was surprised at how much prices for trucks had increased in the last 20 years compared to mules. (Mules live a long time). After examinations of the available trucks and the leanness of his wallet (he only had $125), he concluded he would have to settle for a truck almost as old as himself. After extensive haggling with the dealer, they settled on a price. The old man made arrangements to return the next day to pick up his purchase, and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him. Early the next day, the old man returned to be faced with some bad news.
"Jim," said the dealer, "that old truck threw a rod as we were parking it last night. I'm real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden."
Jim replied, "Well bad luck is bad luck, you really can't do anything about it. Where's the truck now?"
"Oh, it's out back, I was just getting out the wrecker to haul it off to the scrap yard. Hold on a minute while I get your money for you."
"No, that wouldn't be right, I bought it, you were just holding it as a favor, it's my loss, not yours. But, if you will help me hook it to my old car, I'll see if I can recover a little by parting it out."
Well, the farmer hooks up to the truck and drives off. A couple of months later the dealer who sold him the junk truck happens to drive by Jim's place and is astonished to see Jim driving a new $2,000 Autocar truck. Leaning on the pickup horn, he calls Jim over and asks him how in the world Jim managed such a piece of equipment when a couple of months before all he had was $125 for a truck and the truck had died on him.
"Well", Jim explains, "After leaving with the truck, I had this idea and I stopped off at the local print shop and had 1,400 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize... Farm Truck . Then I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."
"Yeah, but where did you get the farm truck?"
"From you."
"No, I mean the truck you had as the raffle prize."
"Like I said, I got it from you."
"Man, all you got from me was a junk truck."
"I know, that's what I raffled off."
"My goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead truck?! I'll bet it really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it."
"Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his two dollars back."

ROOSTER REPLACER A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car with a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.
The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yerself," he replied, "the hens are 'round back."

CONFUCIUS SAY: Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Sign At A Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard On The Side Of The Road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

TIME FOR A REST? A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with. "Do you have a drivers license?" asks the father. "No," says the boy. "Are you resisting arrest?" he asks. The boy hesitates before he says, "No,... I'm not sleepy yet."

IT’S GONNA RAIN, DUMMY! Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

YOUR EFFICIENT GOVERNMENT! A fellow stopped at a rural gas station. He stood by his car to drink a cola and noticed a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can into a recycling container.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the Highway Department," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there are three of us: Rodney, Mike, and me. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney's sick, that doesn't mean that Mike and I can't work."

REST IN PEACE! A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was no where in site, and the workmen were eating lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic tank."

FIRE DOG’S DUTIES A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." "I know!" said a third... "They use it to find the fire hydrant!"

EVER NOTICE? Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

EDUCATED DEER READING SIGNS I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

RUNNING RED LIGHTS An elderly couple were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Georgia! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Georgia turned to her and said, "Oh,... am I driving?"

TOP 10 REASONS FARM TRUCKS ARE NEVER STOLEN:
#10 They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.
#9 Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
#8 It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab
#7 It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
#6 The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
#5 They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
#4 The large round hay bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.
#3 Top speed is only about 45 mph.
#2 Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and a windshield.
#1 It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

THE REDNECK CORNER - DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your lights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

AUTOMATIC PUSH START One night on the Southeast Expressway about 8 miles south of Boston, I either had dirt in my fuel filter or my fuel pump was starting to go out and my car stalled. I pulled into the breakdown lane and sat there a few minutes, contemplating my next move. A few minutes later I tried to start it again. It almost started 5 or 6 times and then the battery started to die, so I stopped and sat there a while longer, hoping it would start if I gave the battery a little rest. About 5 minutes later, I saw headlights in my rearview mirror and figured it was the State Troopers to my rescue, but alas, it was a nice-looking lady in her mid thirties who walked up to my door window and asked if she could help me. I explained what happened, and short of calling a tow truck, the only thing I could think of was maybe she could give me a push. She said she'd be glad to, but had never done it before. So I explained that my old car had an automatic transmission and we'd have to get it up to 30 or 35 before it would start, and she got back in her car. I released the emergency brake, turned the key on and gave it one more try, to no avail, and put the car into drive and waved her to start pushing. I looked in my rearview mirror and the only thing I could see was a pair of headlights about 1/4 mile behind me. The lights started to grow larger and larger and in an instant it all became clear................. 30 or 35 mph! I jumped out of the car and tried to flag her down, but before I could get to the back of my car, my car disappeared and she went by me and the loudest explosion I ever heard occurred right in front of me as she plowed into my car.
After the dust settled, my nerves unfrazzled, and my shaking stopped, I went to see if she was ok. She was a little achy but I could hear a siren off in the distance, getting closer, so someone was coming that could help her, so I walked forward about 50 ft to where my car was. The rear end of the car was just about gone, so I knew it would be totaled and then I noticed the kicker of all kickers. MY CAR WAS RUNNING! I had left it in gear and the motor was running, and evidently 30 or 35 was fast enough! The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. -- Dudley Moore

HEAVY TRUCKLOAD A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMOKIN’ GHOST Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!" They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping. "Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE! A state trooper pulled a car over on a lonely back road and approached the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear-view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am, that's your pine-scent air freshener."

LAWS OF REPAIR Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

BIG JOHN WILL PASS One fine day, a big hulk of a guy got on a bus. He was 6 foot 8, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened: Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate and judo. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter....I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.

PARK THAT PICKUP, YES! Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

BUMPER JACK? Once, while driving around in my pickup with my pet donkey in the back, I discovered I had a flat tire. I got out and had the donkey stick its head under the bumper and lift the truck. A passing farmer asked, "Hey, that's a pretty clever trick. How did you teach your donkey to lift the truck?" "Its a simple matter of the breed; this is a JACK ass!"

DESIGNATED DRIVER..... The problem with the designated driver program is, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

SAFETY FEATURE! A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.
The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly..
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop..
And she said.... (This is a good one...) (Ready?) (Remember, she's a blonde...) "Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied..

WHERE’S PA? A farm boy accidentally overturned his truck, loaded with corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Clarence!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come into the house with me and the Mrs., and have a bite to eat. Then I'll help you get the truck back up." "That's mighty nice of you, "Clarence answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Clarence thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the truck."

ASPHALT DEVILS In the afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window. "How can I help you?"
"I am the red devil of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"
With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes thereafter he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side of the road and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. "What can I do for you?"
"I am the yellow devil of the asphalt, you got something to drink?"
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of coke and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing, our guy decides to stop a last time, rolls his window down and yells to the guy, "So, you blue devil of the asphalt, whadda YOU wanna have?"
"Driver's license and registration please."

A REAL EXHAUST BLOWOUT In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.

PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY SHOOTS WOMAN IN CAR A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. She looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?"
The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in."
Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then regained consciousness and attempted to hold her brains in!

NEXT TIME CHANGE YOUR OWN OIL! Forty-five year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

Oil Changing Instructions: MEN Verses WOMAN
Men:
1. Go to O'ReiIIy auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, oil dry (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'ReiIly to recycle dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil dry (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil fitter making sure to apply a thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto the floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) on wall calendar.
32 Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil dry (AKA kitty liner) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car 1-1/2 quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change

Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check for the $19.95 special and leave with a properly maintained vehicle!

HAVING A BAD DAY? The following is taken from a Florida newspaper: A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several fights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm. Now THAT is a bad day...FEEL BETTER? Have a nice day!

TIPS FOR TRAPS A police officer thought he had a perfect location to watch for speeders until one day everyone was well under the speed limit. Curious, he investigated and it didn't take long to find the cause. A 10 year old boy was standing by the roadside with a huge hand-painted sign reading "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." His accomplice, about 100 yards beyond the trap, also had a sign which read "TIPS" and a large bucket filled with change.

“OH, WHAT?” The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker Ford for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S**t!" Only the state of North Dakota was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

DIVING FOR COVER
WIFE "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."

FAST FARMER A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-- "Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s a**?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s a**."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

SPECIAL LICENCE FOR BLONDS There was a blonde driving down the dotted center line of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please."
"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling.
"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license." To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."
She pointed to the bottom of the license, "See? It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."

ONE FOR THE LADIES Steve and his girlfriend, Linda, were driving along one day. He noticed that she kept looking at him and smiling. Then Linda leaned over and whispered in Steve's ear, "Can you drive using only one hand?" "I sure can" Steve grinned, thinking his luck was in. "Good!" Linda said, "Then wipe your nose; it's running!"

TIME REPORT A man drove all night long. Upon arriving in a small community, he decided to stop in the local park and catch some shuteye. Just as he dozed off, there was a knock on the window. Outside the car, the man saw a jogger, running in place. "Excuse me, can you give me the time?"
"Yeah, sure. It's 6:27." The man settled back and was almost asleep when there was another knock on the window. Another jogger. "I'm sorry to disturb you. Do you have the time?"
"Yeah. It's 6:30." The man rolled up the window and realized this could go on indefinitely. So he made a sign that read: "I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME." He stuck the sign in the window and again nestled himself back in the seat. Then ... yet another tap on the window. The man looked, and sure enough, another jogger. He disgustedly rolled down the window and said, "Yeah, what is it?"
"Hey, man," the jogger replied. "It's 6:42."

HOW TO FIX A CARBURETOR A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an old Cadillac convertible. That week she visited her local collector car dealer and spied a beautiful 1941 Packard Darrin Convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the AM radio, what could possibly go wrong? Then at that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the Auto Club and a short wait saw a bright shiny van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," says the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
"Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a kitten again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "How’d you fix it?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

PHOTO PHUN From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture ... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

PHONE PHUN AGAIN A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

IT’S ALL RELATIVE A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Oh look, aren't those relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "My In-laws."

BUBBA & EARL ON THE ROAD AGAIN Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat,and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No,sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch".

DIMMER BULB: An unidentified 40-year-old man drove into a gasoline station on the Gold Coast of Queensland, Australia, and began to fill a jerry can with gas. The fumes rose up to the lit cigarette dangling from his mouth and exploded, throwing him 15 feet and landing him on an ant hill. "He suffered a few small burns and some ant bites," a police spokesman says. "We took a vote and this is one of the stupidest things we've ever heard of." (Reuters)

DIMMEST BULB: An unidentified 39-year-old trucker from Laval, Quebec, Canada, was dropping off a load of "oil byproducts" at a Petro-Canada plant in Mississauga, Ontario. Unsure if his tank was empty enough for him to move on, he looked inside. Since it was dark, he used his cigarette lighter to shed a bit of illumination into the tank. The resulting explosion threw him 13 feet and burned off his eyebrows, but he was able to walk away. "I think it was one of those things where just before the explosion happened, he said, 'Uh oh. What did I do?'," said police Constable Heather Andrews. (Canadian Press)

OLE AND LENA'S HONEYMOON Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.

THE OIL SHORTAGE There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical. All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, etc. AND....... All the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

A REAL JERK! While on a car trip an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly women left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every name he could think of. When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, "And while you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too."

DRIVER TRAINING An unidentified 22-year-old man was taking a driving test with a license examiner near The Hague, the Netherlands, when he got stuck on a railroad track. The driver and the examiner ran for safety just before a train rammed the car, dragging it 150 meters down the track. But the car came right back to them -- a second train coming the other direction hit the car and dragged it back other way. (Reuters

DRIVER TRAINING II: Gary Hart, 36, from Lincolnshire, England, was towing a trailer behind his Land Rover when he slid off the road, ending up on a railroad track. He quickly got out and called the police on his cell phone to report the blocked track. "While the operator was speaking to him we heard him shout 'The train's coming!' and then there was a bang," a police spokesman said. The passenger train derailed and was then hit by a freight train hauling 1,000 tonnes of coal coming from the opposite direction -- all while Hart watched. Thirteen people were killed. "It could have happened to anyone," Hart's mother Margaret later told reporters. "I just hope people don't blame him."

A “GETTIN’ EVEN” SALE! A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars. A man answered the ad, but he was slightly skeptical. "What's the gimmick?" he inquired. "No gimmick," the woman answered. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary."

Teen Smashes Six Cars -- Fails Driving Test TORONTO (Reuters) - A teenager crashed into six cars and injured one person when she tried to park at the end of her driving test, Toronto police have said. The driving instructor, who had been about to give the girl her driver's licence, changed his mind after the accident, which happened on Wednesday in a suburb north of Toronto. "They came back to the parking lot of the testing centre and when they went to park the car, the car went out of control and it struck the vehicles and a pedestrian," said a police official. After it hit the first four cars, the teen's vehicle spun around and hit two more vehicles. A woman who was standing between two of the cars was taken to hospital with leg injuries. An examiner who witnessed the crash said the teenager panicked while trying to park the car and hit the gas pedal instead of the brake. The teen was hospitalised for minor leg injuries. The driving instructor was treated for shock. "He's back working today", the police spokesman said

HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM:
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat, double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO, but driving in: CALIFORNIA
7. Waving at everyone that you pass, eating a moon pie, sipping an RC, smiling and chewing and talking to yourself: TENNESSEE
8. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted, in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
11. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
12. Smiling and waving at the admiring throngs, watching traffic and using the best defensive driving techniques, listening attentively to every sound eminating from your engine and undercarriage. The most courtius and thoughtful driver: GEAA Everywhere!

SPEEDING UP THE POLICE I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that I had left the light on in the shed, she could see from the bedroom window. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the car shop taking my 1927 Dodge Brothers automobile and tools. I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in the area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they became available. I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back. "Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them all." Within a few minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
I replied with "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

JEWISH DRIVER A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?"
"No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!" -Henny Youngman

JEWISH PEDESTRIAN A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?
" The man says, "I make a good living." -Henny Youngman

WOOF! "Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car,in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -Dave Barry

WATCH THIS! When attendees at a drunk-driving "awareness picnic" saw a woman being given a field sobriety test by police, they gathered around to watch the "demonstration." It wasn't a demonstration: a police officer saw Linda M. Harris, 53, the coordinator of the Dona Ana County (N.M.) drunken-driving prevention program, drive up, and he smelled alcohol on her breath. A breath test recorded her blood-alcohol level at 0.09 percent, just above the legal limit, and she failed four of five coordination tests. She was arrested in front of the onlookers and charged with driving while intoxicated. (AP) ...

CONSPICUOUS CONTEMPT: When a woman saw a car occupied by two apparently able-bodied young men parked in a handicapped spot in front of the restaurant where she works in Spotsylvania County, Va., she asked the driver to move. He not only refused, he cursed her.
He should have been nicer: the woman wrote down a description of the car and its license number. Meanwhile, the man's two companions were inside the restaurant -- robbing it. With the description and tag number, police quickly apprehended the trio.
"If he had just been polite and moved the car, she probably wouldn't have paid any further attention to them," a sheriff's spokesman said. (Fredricksburg Free Lance-Star) ...

CHECK THIS OUT: An unidentified couple in Woodstock, Ga., had their car and checkbook stolen. They reported the thefts, then went to the bank to close their checking account. That's when they spotted their stolen car in the bank's drive-through lane, where the suspects were allegedly trying to cash one of the stolen checks. The couple called 911 and police caught Roderick C. Chatman, 36, and Juli Marie Levinge, 30, after a brief chase. The couple needn't have bothered, however: the forged check was made out in Chatman's name, and he left his driver's license with the teller when he fled. "Obviously, he was doomed from the start," a sheriff's spokesman said. (AP) ...

QUESTION? What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

IF BILL GATES MADE CARS At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but.... Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

PORCH? A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?"
"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."
"Well, there's a gallon of green paint and a brush out back, and a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you're done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."
It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!", he reported with a smile.
"Did you do a good job?" she asked.
"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you," he said, "That's not a Porsche back there -- it's a Mercedes!"

SPARE ENGINE The little old lady was driving her VW beetle when she experienced some trouble...it died right there! Well, she managed to get her vehicle out of traffic, got out via driver's door, proceeded to the front of the car, and raised the "hood". While she stood there looking, another elderly lady pulled up...also in a VW Beetle...and offered some assistance. "What's wrong?" the second lady asked the first.
"I seem to have lost my engine!" replied the first lady.
"OH! How lucky!! I just happen to have a spare in my trunk!", exclaimed the second lady.

CAR QUESTIONS What will they call the benefit concert for General Motors? Lemon Aid.
What do you call a car that goes left when you turn right, & etc. A Dislexus.

CRUISE CONTROL? I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in the back to make a sandwich.

Holmes and Watson On Tour Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on an automobile camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Someone has stolen our tent."

KEEP A LOW PROFILE Tallahassee, Fla., Police Officer Greg Tucker heard a loud stereo in a car parked at a convenience store and pulled in to tell its driver, Alonzo Lamar McMillian, 20, to turn it down. Then he noticed the car was parked in a handicapped-only space. Tucker told the driver to move, but the man said he'd only be there a minute. About then, a license check came back: the car was stolen. "He's not exactly a criminal mastermind," Tucker said after he arrested McMillian on charges of grand theft auto, battery on a law enforcement officer, drug possession -- and parking in a handicapped space. (Tallahassee Democrat) ...

SEEN ON BUMPER STICKERS
Stop honking I'm on the phone
This car breaks for garage sales
Farmers - outstanding in their field
Driver carries no cash...he's married
You...out of the gene pool
On a beat-up car: Honk if parts fall off
On a dump truck 0 - 60 in 15 minutes.
Do not wash--this vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.
Keep honking--I'm reloading.

HYMNS FOR THE HIGHWAY
5 mph......................God Will Take Care of You
55 mph......................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph......................Nearer My God to Thee
75 mph......................Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph......................This World Is Not My Home
95 mph......................Lord, I'm Coming Home
Over 100 mph................Precious Memories

VEILED THREAT! There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in it’s parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY! Trespassers Will Be Baptized!

LAST WISH! Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!

AND THE TRAIN RAN THRU THE MIDDLE OF THE HOUSE! "You don't often see a house on the tracks," says Washington State Patrol Lt. Dan Eikum. Anthony Payne, 25, was helping to move a house in Auburn, Wash. They had all the necessary permits and were being escorted by a sheriff's car as the house crossed the railroad tracks on the back of a truck. Payne rode on top of the house to watch over things -- and saw the unscheduled Amtrak train as it came around the corner. "I just screamed 'train!' and [the truck driver] started to try to pull out of there," Payne said. He didn't make it: 10 seconds later the house was demolished, but there were no serious injuries. (Seattle Times) ...

IDIOTS AT WORK Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

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